I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME