Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit