Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
this FaceApp is creepy af
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.