Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I’d … I’d rather not.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi