titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
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Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????