CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
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You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?