My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
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it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.