Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.