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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.