DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
You Might Also Like
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Just a friendly reminder!
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.