馃槻 WTF? 馃槅
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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you鈥檙e funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I鈥檓 texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Me: I guess I鈥檒l take four dollars
Wendy鈥檚 Drive thru cashier: That鈥檚 not how the dollar menu works
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That鈥檚 not a Twitter account. It鈥檚 a group text.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Who says great literature is dead?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who鈥檚 in charge of this house.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that鈥檚 probably a good thing.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I鈥檓 sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected鈥t鈥檚 blood.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off