USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
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Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.