USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Twitter is an abusement park.