*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
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Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*