This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
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Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Meow?
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
#titanic
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.