me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
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Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.