Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
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Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Good Morning.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.