Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
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The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
accurate
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.