Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
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[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Sex so good you see dead people.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in