Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how