Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
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Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
You saw nothing. I am ham.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.