[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
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“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
finally
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My sex drive has a dui
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?