[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
it be like that
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!