6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
The future is now.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Sign at work today
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry