didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Breaking news:
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love