my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?