I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
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I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
guys i’ve cracked the code
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.