Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
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5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
calling in to work dehydrated
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo