Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
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ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you