AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
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Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher