Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
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You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
The big book of baby names but for safe words
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat