I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
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I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Um … Hot Wings please
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation