My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up