Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
You Might Also Like
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.