Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.