Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?