Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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Ironic
i will not be silenced
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Saturday
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
The internet is full of many things
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Is this you?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
is this store having a stroke wtf
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock