I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty