[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
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How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
That’s incredible! 👌
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey