PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
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Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
#Thanos #MondayMood
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice