Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
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Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
My life coach traded me.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..