*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
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[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.