Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails