‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
oh good, now I can stop drinking
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.