Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
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My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Squirrels before girls.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
In case you needed to hear it:
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.