It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
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[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror