I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
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[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
bias laundering edition
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Lmao the reply
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog