[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
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it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
sigh
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.