Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
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when there are deer in the woods
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
This is the best one I’ve seen
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
My flabber has been gasted.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.