“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
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Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
The first matador
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
i now pronounce you bounced.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.