We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
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Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.